Easy Going Intimacy
Keeping a distance from others, potentially suspicious of their intentions and critical of their motivations
Who’s OK?
The simplest way of understanding ourselves vis a vis others is to
recognise which of four life positions we adopt:
- “I’m OK; you’re OK”: a healthy and positive attitude in which we engage with others as equals in a realistic way, tolerant of differences and aware of the potential for differences and disagreement, but with a spirit of friendship to build trust.
- “I’m not OK; you’re OK”: here we assume that we are inferior in some way to others. We see others as more intelligent, capable and powerful. And we either look for approval from the “OK others” or we develop various tactics to cope with our envy, resentment and hatred. The outcome is the same: difficult relationships.
- “I’m OK; you’re not OK”: this is a self centred and self-serving life position in which your needs are paramount because everyone else is stupid, lazy or dangerous. The outcome: arrogance, suspicion or alienation.
- “I’m not OK; you’re not OK”: the most depressing and futile of all the life positions. You don’t feel empowered to help yourself but there is no one else to turn to – they’re not OK. The outcome: a miserable way to live life.
Your life position determines your “life script”, the set of expectations you have for yourself, your relationships and your life outcomes. So come to terms with who and what you are and develop a mature outlook on others, seeing them for what they are: like you a mix of strengths and shortcomings.
Others are your mirror. If you feel strong negative feelings towards someone you have met, the chances are that they are reminding you of an aspect of yourself that deep down you don’t like. It is this reflection of yourself that you find objectionable; it isn’t the other person. After all, why do you feel so emotionally engaged towards someone you hardly know? Acknowledge the feeling and pinpoint that quality which antagonises you; the quality you both share. Don’t project your inner tensions and conflicts on to others.
Remember the rules of friendship:
allocate enough time. Friendships need to be nurtured
and maintained. Commit time and effort to staying in regular touch.
remember important events in other people’s lives, not simply
birthdays or anniversaries, but the key moments which have some particular
significance to your friends.
don’t break confidences. The fundamental test
of friendship is loyalty. Don’t be tempted to pass on any interesting
gossip to others based on a confidence shared by a friend.
don’t be too quick to give up on those friends
who now seem “too much hard work.” Be patient. Your friends,
like you, will go through difficult passages of life and face challenges
that can test any relationship. Be loyal through the tough times.
don’t call in too many favours from your friends. Recognise
that your friends have their own life priorities. Don’t make
too many demands on their time.
Don’t upset people unnecessarily. It’s easy to do. Life is short and it is tempting to cut to the chase quickly. But everyone has their sensitivities, anxieties, and at times, downright paranoia. Most people want acceptance and fear rejection. Don’t ignore others, leave them out, rubbish their best efforts or dismiss their ideas, intentionally or unintentionally. Acknowledge and respect others even when you disagree fundamentally or see their contribution as inadequate.
“Suspicion arises out of insecurity.” If you’re always on your guard, doubtful of others’ intentions and quick to spot any weaknesses, what does this say about you? Do social encounters create a fear and suspicion of others? Why? Who is out to get you? Try an experiment in life: simply relax and be yourself. You may be surprised by others’ reactions when you respond to them in an open minded and responsive way, assuming the best rather than the worst.
“Why are the lying bastards lying to me?” This is the mind-set of Jeremy Paxman, the aggressive BBC interviewer who keeps asking the same question repeatedly until he thinks his interviewee has provided an honest response. It may be a strategy that makes for good T.V. viewing. As a life strategy, it may be counter-productive, arousing resentment and hostility.
Remember what it’s like. Do you remember any time when you felt nervous, worried about social situations and concerned about how others might react to you? Don’t forget those moments, those moments which others are now experiencing. Don’t allow your interpersonal poise and social confidence intimidate those with less life experience.
“Walk in another person’s shoes” In conversation we:
- keep comparing ourselves to others to assess the power dynamic
- “mind read” and second guess what others are about to say and plan out what we need to say next
- filter to hear what we want to hear and close out any remarks that are critical
- jump quickly to judgments to dismiss others’ views and reach our own conclusions before the other person has finished
- go off on our own daydreams because it’s getting boring
- change the topic or laugh it off when it gets serious
If active listening is difficult then real empathy is even more challenging. Focus on the other person’s feelings. Don’t change the topic if you’re feeling awkward. Or make judgements, jump in with advice or minimise the issue with comforting but patronising reassurance. Don’t attempt to take on the role of a psychoanalyst to “make sense” of their issues, begin intrusive questioning, or use the experience to tell your own story. Why not just park your agenda and attempt to experience what it might be like for the other person.
Don’t sit in judgement on others. Others, like you, are a mix of virtue and shortcomings, and like you, they sometimes get it wrong and make mistakes. Cut some slack. Don’t zero in others’ faults and shortcomings to bolster your own self-esteem. Assume the best in others, at least in the initial stages of a relationship. Don’t allow any suspicion or hostility on your part get the relationship off to a bad start. Keep an open mind and look for the positive qualities of others rather than enjoy spotting weaknesses. And accept that others’ limitations can be a consequence of their strengths.
Value differences. Don’t assume that your friends will always (or should) think like you or that any divergent opinion indicates a fundamental disagreement and the beginning of a breakdown of a relationship. Friendship should be about the tolerance of differences. Don’t be too quick to put your important relationships in a box – the box of complete harmony - with the expectation that others will always reinforce your beliefs and opinions. They won’t and shouldn’t. Your best friends should challenge you. And if they don’t, ask why?
Know how to apologise. “An apology isn’t an apology unless you experience a change in heart” There is an art to apologising. It isn’t:
- the excuse: “I’m sorry…but.” It happened but it wasn’t really my fault; something else happened.
- the denial of intent: “I’m sorry…I wanted to..” My intentions were good but I’m really a victim of events.
- blame: “I’m sorry...someone else let me down.” I did my best but others didn’t. Apologise and apologise with grace, accepting your responsibility and expressing your commitment to put things right.
Mandela’s Prison Guards. At his inaugural acceptance speech, Nelson Mandela shook the hands of the four prison guards who had kept him captive for years as he went on stage. A key moment in helping South Africa address its past and move towards a better future. Forgive. There is no shortage of “reasons” for resentment and bitterness. We all have experienced hurt and encountered injustice. But these emotions have great potential for self destruction. Forgiveness is good and resentment is bad for the soul. Forgiveness, as well as helping you manage the inevitable ups and downs of relationships, improves your own personal well being. Don’t be your own worst enemy by holding on to past grievances. This kind of anger makes you your own worst enemy. These emotions will hurt you more than your perceived adversary. And if you can’t forgive, then try to forget.
I got it. When you understand exactly what someone is saying, tell them “I got it”. This moves the conversation on to another level to explore other issues, and to build and enhance two way communication. And when others get it”, stop. Don’t bore others by over-playing your point. And if you’re not sure if others do understand, listen carefully, alert to their body language, to check any potential misunderstanding.
Praise and keep praising. Don’t allow any awkwardness or sense of embarrassment hold you back from stating your admiration and respect for others. Criticism, usually indirect, is common. Sincere and positive feedback to provide praise is rare but much valued by others. Most people don’t feel they are getting the recognition they deserve. Ensure then that you give others the attention they’re looking for. Notice the small things, the specifics that others are failing to spot, and give full praise.
Ask for help and support. Don’t be so proud and independent minded that you can’t reach out to others to ask for their assistance. Be prepared to admit you’ve got it wrong, made a mistake or are in a hole needing help. You might be surprised by others’ responses. But don’t keep an “account” of obligations, an ongoing record of favours owed and given. Help those who have helped you, but don’t keep track of your life credits and debts. It will only generate resentment.
Don’t play “cat and mouse”. Don’t always wait for others to do the hard bit of establishing contact, introducing themselves and striking up conversation. Take the initiative to make others feel welcome. Put them at ease and engage them. Don’t play that psychological game in which you either maintain a distance, making it hard work for others, or allow others to get to know you a bit and then withdraw from meaningful conversation.
Smile. Do we smile because we are happy or does the act of smiling make us happy? Smiling literally changes our brain activity; it changes our physiology to make us happy. Conversely, the act of frowning triggers subtle changes in our brain temperature and functioning to make us unhappier. Get into the habit of smiling. It will also make others feel more positive about themselves and towards you.
Compliment creatively. Conventional compliments are good, but typically are expected and lack the motivational force of creative compliments. Pass on feedback from others, from your boss and peers, etc. Even better, ask others to pass on their feedback directly. Spot the little things. Make those gestures that show that you are aware of others’ input. And phrase and time your compliments well.
Keep a gratitude log. Do you take yourself and your achievements and successes for granted? Are you taking others and the support they provide also for granted? Start keeping a diary to note three positive things that happened and you appreciated. Remember to remember about the good things in life.
Direct Humour. Sometimes we need to be direct in our communication, to stop the bore who is ruining a productive meeting, or to express our objection to an outrageous comment. To avoid appearing threatening or aggressive, use humour. It will make your point, but by keeping it light; it defuses the tension of possible conflict.