Easy Going Intimacy
Keeping a distance from others, potentially suspicious of their intentions and critical of their motivations
Say “no”. Don’t catch every ball that others throw towards you. Don’t feel under pressure to accommodate every demand that others make of you. Assert your own expectations and demands. Be clear about what you want and what is important to you. Don’t let others exploit your good nature, your tolerance and willingness to empathise and see both sides of an issue. Don’t let your relationships become one-sided in which others advance at your expense. As experienced negotiators know, don’t use the “no” word, even when the answer is no. The “no” word triggers conflict and retaliation. But know how to refuse others’ requests gracefully but assertively.
Respect is better than popularity. Don’t look for approval from others. Admiration and respect from others are important. But don’t live your life around a need to please. One of the paradoxes of human nature is that we are less likely to be appreciated if we make popularity our number one goal. Others find the desire for attention a sign of weakness and off-putting. Be prepared to disagree and assert your own position to establish your own independence.
“Be a peacemaker if you want to be a saint. Otherwise be prepared for conflict.” If you are serious about making a difference and setting out an agenda for change, then you will put some “noses out of joint” and you will create adversaries. Utilise your interpersonal skills to win over those who are ambivalent. But accept the unpopularity that comes from taking on the issues that challenge the lazy and incompetent. www.managementhelp.org
Go with the grain of human nature. Not everyone has your best interests at heart. Some individuals will be very happy to see you fail; they may enjoy commiserating with your failings. Not everyone will tell you the truth; some will exaggerate, distort and others will blatantly lie. Not everyone can be trusted to keep confidences; some will enjoy passing on your secrets to others. Don’t be naïve.
“If they tell it to you, they’ll tell it about you.” Don’t allow your need for friendship and your motivation to build close relationships and share intimacies backfire on you. Some people will break confidences and share information you regard as private. If your “friends” are willing to pass on information about other friends, the chances are they’re also going to pass on information about you. Know who to trust and who to avoid. Don’t be paranoid, suspicious of everyone’s motives and intentions. But do recognise that you will come into contact with individuals whose values, ethics and behaviour are directly opposed to your own. However superficially attractive they may seem, these individuals can be troublesome. www.teamtechnology.co.uk
Listen to the sounds of silence. Silence holds back information, the kind of information that should open up dialogue and facilitate joint problem solving. Silence from others is that strategy to avoid the awkward, embarrassing and difficult issues. Silence is:
- withdrawal: this is the exit option that refuses to engage openly in the real issues. Here, for example, calls are not returned.
- avoiding: the steering away from the sensitive issues that might open up conflict. This is allowing conversations and meetings to go off a tangent.
- masking: this is the understating or the selective show of true opinions. Sugar coating and sarcasm are the common tactics.
If you’re hearing silence, then be prepared to talk and open up a “crucial confrontation”.
Don’t invest emotionally in bad relationships. Some individuals, colleagues, “friends”, and potential partners, are bad news with the potential to disrupt your life goals. Superficially attractive, compelling or even charismatic, some individuals will:
- use you to work out their own inner turmoils, playing psychological games to bolster their own self esteem
- exploit their relationship with you to compensate for their personal insecurities, projecting their problems on you and undermining your self-worth
- drag you into damaging activities to validate their own bad behaviour
- mess you up for no other reason than it fuels their sense of power
If you’re beginning to doubt the authenticity of some of your friends, ask: is this relationship working for me? What am I getting out of it? And what’s in it for them? What are they getting out of our “friendship”? If the relationship isn’t making you feel more positive, fulfilled and better about yourself, ask why you’re continuing it.
Watch out for the “games people play”. A “game” is being played out when others aren’t being authentic. A game is played out when others seem to interact in a simple and straightforward manner way to disguise their true intentions, to play out some ulterior purpose – the hidden agenda – to advance their destructive motivations, usually hostility and putdowns, self hatred and criticism or ego boosting to exaggerate their status at the expense of someone else. Games are horrible but very common. Games conceal the emotional reality – one-up-man-ship, attention seeking, blame, revenge, punishment, etc. See Eric Berne’s “The Games People Play” for the range of games you may encounter. Recognise games for what they are; don’t be a naïve participant. The litmus test of a “game” is deception. Direct confrontation is rare. Sneaky put-downs are common; secret attacks are easy and hard to defend against. If you’ve spotted the beginnings of the set up of a game, avoid the game by getting out quickly.
“Sincerity is the cleverest of ruses” – one is sincere in order to draw out the confidence and secrets of others.” Look out for life’s manipulators, the individuals quick to take advantage of your trusting nature. The Machiavellian operator can be difficult to spot. Be alert to the indicators. Manipulators:
- open up and talk freely of their own plans, ideas and feelings. In fact they don’t. Their apparent self disclosure is calculated to encourage you to reciprocate
- use expressions such as “don’t you think…, don’t you feel…would you agree that…?” to push you into what they want
- have little hesitation in asking you personal questions at an early stage in your relationship
- ask your views about others and are keen to exchange gossip
- utilise flattery to make you feel good about yourself before making some demand on you
- want to force you into making quick decisions about something that is important to them
“Innocent as doves and wise as serpents”. Manage life’s manipulators by innocence. Speak highly of everyone they ask about and misunderstand their questions to shift the conversation to another level. Or, if you have spotted their game and, want to assert your position, use wisdom to signal that you understand their motives and intentions and are not prepared to play the game to their rules.
How many friends can you manage? Are you spreading your social energy too far and wide? Don’t create a clique of familiar friends but don’t feel pressured into joining the networks of your friends. Be clear in your own mind of the close relationships that do matter and need to be nurtured, and those that don’t. Don’t find yourself running around meeting lots of acquaintances and engaging up in superficial “conversational catch up” and neglecting your true friends.
Identify your genuine friends. Is this a person who can be honest with you whilst still making you feel positive about yourself? Does this person care for you, is interested in you for who you are rather than what they might get out of your relationship? Will this person be there for you in a crisis, not to gloat, but to provide real concern and support? Will this friend celebrate your successes, rather than envy, but to praise your achievements? These are the friendships to be valued throughout life. Hold on to them.
Know how to “fire”. The decision to fire someone is a difficult one but invariably it is the right one, and a decision that is better taken sooner rather than later. Don’t allow the emotions of loyalty get in the way of dismissing that employee who is simply not up to the job. You know it, your colleagues know it, and deep down, they know it. Often it will come as a relief to them for someone to say: “this isn’t working out.” Difficult and unpleasant it may be, it has to be done. Do it with integrity. In the right way for the right reasons, but do it.
Different strokes for different folks. Use your personal warmth to build rapport and develop trust. But recognise that different people will view your interpersonal style in different ways, not always positively. Some may find your approach over-familiar, intrusive and potentially intimidating. Read the signals to judge when you need to step back and let others determine the pace at which your relationship evolves.
Disclosure is not indiscretion. Self disclosure is an important tactic in building trust. Over deployed it can also backfire, undermining rather than strengthening relationships. Ask: why are you sharing this information – your experiences, attitudes and opinions - about yourself? Are you at risk of boring others by providing irrelevant information; damaging your credibility by talking about personal problems which are embarrassing to others; bolstering your self-esteem by talking about your achievements to downplay others’ successes? Build up self disclosure slowly and keep checking others’ responses. Remember that disclosure can be used as tactic of manipulation, to encourage others to say and divulge what they would rather not share. Know your motives.