Constructive Conflict

Avoiding the difficult interpersonal stuff, the kind of conflict that might create negative emotions

Conflict is inevitable. Customers want it but you can’t deliver it now. Suppliers are late and you need it. Employees want more pay and time off but managers want them to work harder. Conflict is fundamental to life experience. If you aren’t experiencing conflict, ask why? Something is wrong: you aren’t pushing hard enough. And don’t see conflict as an attack on you as individual. It is a consequence of the situation in which you are in. Stand back from any feelings of personal affront. Your personal emotions won’t help. Apply your analytical skills to work out the immediate problem you need to overcome to achieve your long-term goals.

Face up to conflict sooner rather than later. Later, and the issues may escalate into a major crisis. Don’t turn every molehill of disagreement into a mountain of brinkmanship. Some issues will go away if ignored. But some won’t. Keep alert to growing tension and be prepared to respond quickly to defuse the situation. A small gesture or signal can resolve an emerging issue quickly if you are aware of the initial signs of a problem.

Check out the tools in your conflict tool kit. What is and isn’t working for you? Review the conflict situations you have faced in the last few moths; what was your approach?

• avoiding conflict, denying it exists or hoping it goes away?
• giving in to others, making unsatisfactory compromises and then complaining afterwards?
• getting mad and looking to blame others
• making lots of emotional noise but still feeling frustrated you haven’t resolved the issue?
• compromising with regret, thinking that the agreements you’ve achieved will work but later thinking you’ve been exploited?
• constructive management of conflict to resolve disagreement positively?

The Do’s and Don’ts of Confrontation. Confront to solve a problem.
The don’ts:

• sandwich by inserting a tough message within polite pleasantries. You will only confuse the other person.
• surprise by suddenly springing an attack out of the blue.
• play games with hints and innuendo in the hope the individual will work out how you feel.
• pass the buck by blaming someone or something else for the confrontation. The confrontation is between you and the individual. Don’t blame your boss or organisational policy.

The dos:

• start quickly and safely. State the facts; the gap between what you expected and what has happened. Create a “safe climate” to avoid arousing those negative emotions which can only break down a meaningful dialogue. Ensure that you reinforce your respect for the individual by being courteous and polite in the tone of your voice. Check that your body language is communicating respect. And establish a mutual purpose by clarifying your intentions to find a solution that is in everyone’s interests.
• move things forward. Look for ways of closing “the gap”. If you’ve established the facts, then share your story. Your story is your version of events. It might be wrong but it is how you think and feel. Use your story to explore the reasons for the gap. Is it an issue of: capability, motivation, attitude, circumstances?
• end with a question. Hear the other person’s point of view by listening genuinely to discover their “story”. “What do you think happened? Is happening? Will happen in future?”

No one can read your mind. If you are unhappy about an issue and it’s making you upset, say so clearly and directly only of course if it is a real problem and not an issue you’ve blown up out of all proportion). Don’t be sneaky, indicating your dissatisfaction indirectly through tangential remarks or negative body language. It only confuses and irritates others. Express your feelings openly but do it in a positive way to explain what it is you want that is different and better. The open communication of grievances and injustices will only raise the emotional temperature and create defensiveness and resistance from others. Make sure you raise issues in a practical way to work to a solution that is in everyone’s interests.

Embarrassment is part of the price to get what you want.Get past the point of embarrassment. The fear of embarrassment, that sense of social shame when we blunder, commit some gaffe or create awkwardness, is a major barrier to the resolution of conflict. Don’t let it hold you back. If you are easily embarrassed then say so in managing any differences and disagreements. “I don’t know why I am embarrassed in saying this. But I am. But it is important to me to say it so you understand my views…” Don’t allow others to exploit your embarrassment. Acknowledge it and use it to your advantage.

“Never apologise, complain or explain.” Don’t go through life apologising for the things you didn’t do, did do but by mistake and it’s no big deal, or things outside of your control, and cannot influence. Apologies are the tactic to avoid confrontation. Here we “get our submission in first” before others can challenge and attack us. But apologies weaken us. Only say sorry when you personally have made a mistake and offended others.

Listen and be listened to. Sometimes (maybe often) conflict arises because someone else feels their views are not being acknowledged or taken into account. Listening, active listening that hears the real message is hard work. Improve your listening:

• ask questions to summarise and clarify what is being said; don’t assume
• keep an open mind; don’t anticipate what is about to be said and why you disagree
• hold yourself back from preparing your next response; don’t interrupt
• keep your emotions in check to avoid expressing the strength of your feelings; don’t let your body language indicate your disapproval

And to help others listen to you:

• keep to the point and summarise your arguments
• respond to questions concisely
• don’t elaborate and complicate; stick to your main message

www.businesslistening.com

Explore the options before you disagree.If you disagree with someone’s opinion, don’t state your disagreement immediately. It will only set you up for conflict. Instead, ask questions to clarify others’ beliefs and check out your own assumptions. Exploring the reasons behind another’s’ opinions will help you understand what is really going on. And it will make it easier for you to find ways of keeping the discussion alive by identifying areas of shared understanding and mutual interest.

Keep the monkey off your back.Don’t allow others to pass their problems on to you. Be cooperative and supportive. Use your expertise and skill to help those who have a problem. But don’t let colleagues and friends shift their failings and difficulties onto you, passing on the “monkey” of responsibility. “Could you have a look at….?”, “I’d be interested in your views on…..”, ”Could you fill in for me?” are all early signals (no matter how well dressed up with flattery) of a monkey on the move. These are the warning signs of someone else looking for you to do their work or find a scapegoat for their shortcomings. Respond with grace but be assertive in saying “no” and stating your own commitments.

Don’t let others wind you up.You don’t have to respond to every criticism, accusation or attack.  Anger makes you look defensive and highlights any insecurities on your part. Keep calm and use humour and a light touch to indicate you are above the petty stuff. Judge your opponent. Those individuals who are winding you up inadvertently can mostly be ignored. Others, your more aggressive peers, need a firm reminder that you will now “fight with fire”, the acknowledgement that you understand their tactics and will now make their life difficult.

“When angry, count to ten before you speak. If very angry, one hundred.” When faced with others’ hostility or unreasonable demands, don’t respond immediately. Don’t let the heat of your emotions disrupt cool-headed thinking. Give yourself the time and space to evaluate the situation, the options and implications. Don’t be afraid to express any anger when appropriate, but do it only when you are in full control of your feelings.

Make waves rather than agree to anything if you have any doubts. Don’t nod your head when you disagree. Don’t allow a charismatic communicator or skilled negotiator force you into a decision with which you don’t feel comfortable. Don’t allow a combination of deceptive logic, emotional appeal and subtle intimidation corral you into making a response you’re not ready to make. Simply say you don’t feel comfortable making a decision right now. Don’t justify the feeling. Express it directly and say you only do business when you feel comfortable with your decisions…”and I’m sure you’ll respect that.”

Never “tell it as it is.”.Your assessment of “it” may be wrong and one that isn’t shared by any one else. In addition, you may be locking yourself into an indefensible position that undermines your credibility. No one wants to hear “it” as it is. They want to hear “it” in a way that allows them to shift their position if you have a valid case. Be subtle in how you present your views. Be assertive but not dogmatic. Acknowledge to yourself that you may not be in full possession of the facts. Accept that others’ sensitivities will require persuasion. Don’t bludgeon others into reluctant agreement with your position. It will backfire in the longer-term.

Never show how much you need it. As soon as you indicate how important the outcome is to you, you lose power. And the loss of power will undermine your negotiational position. Keep your interpersonal approach neutral and detached. And don’t be the first to make concessions, however small or reasonable the request from others. Small concessions from you, without give from others, indicates you are too eager and again it will weaken your position.

Avoid showdowns.Do whatever it takes to avoid this point of negotiation. Either you back down (you lose) or the opponent backs down (you probably lose in the long-run). Never get into the situation when your ego rather than your brain is making the judgement call. Be firm in asserting your demands but don’t allow the conflict to get to the point at which egos are in competition.

Defend a weak position. There will be times when you may be “in the right” but you may also be caught on the hop, ill-prepared for a strong opponent who has marshalled a valid attack on your position. Your response options:

• stall: “can I come back to you when I have checked the facts?”
• dismiss: “that point really doesn’t seem relevant to the discussion.”
• acknowledge but delay: “there was a mistake but right now the cause is unclear.”
• escalate. “this is a complex issue; I need to talk through the full ramifications with your boss.”

Don’t assume that a strong attack from others makes you wrong and your opponent right. Use negotiational tactics to protect your current position before you move to compromise.

Look out for the repertoire of dirty tricks and strong-arm techniques.See them for what they are and be prepared to counter them. Standard ploys include:

• your opponent setting the agenda, order and timings of meetings without consultation
• dismissive interpersonal behaviour (e.g. being late, taking phone calls during meetings, interrupting)
• rejecting your proposals out of hand
• moving the goal posts during negotiation
• setting unrealistic deadlines, the “running out of time” argument.

Faced with the dirty tricks of negotiation, assess the power dynamics of the situation and be clear about your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). Your BATNA is your fall back position. Know what it is and be prepared to withdraw from discussions.

Don’t take on your boss. However, stupid, incompetent or unethical your boss may be, don’t fight a battle that you can’t win. The organisation will back your boss over you 99 times out of a 100. This is how the management system operates. It is there to maintain the current power structure not to leap to the support of every employee grievance. If you and your boss don’t click, and the relationship is getting difficult, find another boss, a boss with more talent, commitment and better ethics.

“Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.”. Be prepared to say sorry. Don’t let pride get in the way of important relationships, relationships with the potential to be fulfilling and worthwhile for the long-term. If you’ve screwed up, say so and do it quickly. And if they’ve screwed up, don’t wait for them to admit it. Make it easy for others. Reach out to others to overcome any short-term misunderstandings or difficulties. And do it quickly before the psychological gap becomes too great to cross.

Stop digging.Some conflicts can’t be resolved. If you’re in a hole, stop digging and get out of it. Giving up in this situation is not a sign of weakness. It is an indication of good sense. Stop digging when:

• your opening position was completely misguided (get out with grace)
• the power dynamics are against you and you can never win (don’t make enemies)
• there is a longer-term goal at stake (lose the battle to fight another war)

But don’t burn bridges. Follow through with a tactful phone call or memo indicating your regret. There may come a time in future when you can renew discussions.

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