Power of Charm

Finding it difficult to make an impact in unfamiliar social situations, or in the spotlight of attention, and not maximising interpersonal influence

First impressions count. Human nature is such that we are attracted to those who are attractive to other people. So be appealing and make sure you get off to a good start in social encounters. Look and sound the part. Charm is in the eye of the beholder and others will view you more positively if you establish yourself as credible and confident. Attend to your physical appearance and dress well to make a positive impact. Endings matter too. Don’t allow conversations and meetings fizzle out in awkwardness or hesitation. Know how to end social interactions positively and assertively to make a memorable impact. www.ezinearticles.com

Operate above yourself. Live out every aspect of life, your demeanour, appearance, and conversation, as if you have already achieved the goal of success. Others’ views are largely shaped by immediate impressions and in particular their sense of how confident you are. So, project confidence. Social interaction is largely a game in which others judge you according to how successful you appear to be. Display that key ingredient of success: confidence in yourself. Why should others believe in you if you don’t? www.more-selfesteem.com

The 9 opening lines of effective conversation. There are only three “story lines” to trigger a conversation: something about the situation, the other person or something about you. And there are only three ways to initiate the conversation: ask a question, state a fact or give an opinion. That gives 9 permutations to trigger a meaningful conversation. The most effective strategy, if it you’re not completely sure of yourself, is to comment on the situation you and the other person are in. It’s low risk and it makes it easy to evaluate the other person’s interest. But if you’re feeling more confident, then ask the other person about themselves, but do it in a way that opens up the discussion. Never start a conversation by talking about yourself.

Avoid the conversational “show stoppers”. The combination of some words and how they are used can only bring a conversation to a crashing halt. The show stoppers are:

• blaming and accusing: “you fouled up”
• threatening and dictating: “if you don’t, then..”
• aggressive questioning or intrusive analysis: “what possessed you to…?”
• sarcasm: “I’ll bow to your superior knowledge”
• moral disapproval: “I can’t believe that you…”
• inappropriate self-disclosure: “did I tell you about…?”

If you’re unaware of your communication impact, ask a friend or trusted colleague to observe you in conversational action and give you specific feedback.

Practice your conversational skills. Good conversation is an art, and like any other art, it needs practice. If you are naturally shy, use day-to-day encounters – saying hello in the morning to work colleagues, waiting in a queue, etc – to develop your skills in “small talk”. Listen to your hairdresser, beautician (anyone who is in constant contact with the public). Understand the rules of conversation, particularly in social situations with larger groups. Listen to determine the flow and adapt your approach. Know:

• when to ask questions and when to listen
• when to state your opinions with conviction and when to display diffidence
• when to agree and when to disagree
• when to be serious and when to be humorous
• timing is everything. Don’t jump in with the wrong topic in the wrong way at the wrong time.

“I’m sorry, was I speaking while you were interrupting?” Master “small talk. Small talk is not superficial; small talk makes for big conversation. Don’t dismiss it. Small talk is the beginnings of relationship building. Key principles are:

• don’t get too serious too quickly: keep it light
• change the subject quickly when others lose interest
• draw on a range of topics from life experience: don’t allow your single life interest become a boring obsession
• ask open ended questions which encourage others to expand and elaborate. And don’t answer “yes” or “no” unless you want to end a conversation quickly
• compliment: spot and emphasise the positives (appearance, dress sense, taste, etc)
• take a genuine interest in finding out more about others’ lives and likes, but don’t be nosey – know when you are becoming intrusive

Be interested rather than “interesting.” Don’t put yourself under pressure by feeling you need to make an immediate social impact. Take time to read the mood of a social situation to gauge the flow. Look and listen actively to what is going on around you. Attending to events around you will also help you avoid any self-consciousness. Don’t attempt to be “interesting”. Ask questions, listen and aim to establish mutual interests and connections rather than embark on “forced conversation” with pre-prepared anecdotes.

The question no one wants to ask or answer: “am I boring?” You might have the most brilliant ideas but if others find you boring, you have a credibility problem. Do you talk too much and fail to listen to others? Or don’t you talk enough and others find conversation awkward. Or, is your voice dull and monotonous and lacking positive projection? www.presentationhelper.co.uk

Don’t live in your own world, obsessed with your own concerns and priorities. Your influence with others relies on seeing the world through their eyes. Understand which needs, desires and fears are shared by everyone and which are distinctive to different individuals. Remember what is important to you will not be of importance to others. Reach out to others’ feelings, motivations and desires. Don’t rely on rational analysis of the facts or a well-considered deliberation of the pros and cons to persuade others. Instead, appeal to others’ emotions.

Things to say only when you mean them. Your impact is in large part about influence and the credibility with which you communicate. Use these powerful phrases only when you are being true to yourself and others:

• “I don’t know. But I want to understand.”
• “I made a mistake. What do I need to do to put things right?”
• “Give it to me straight. I want to hear the truth.”
• “Am I wasting everyone’s time? What do I need to stop doing?”
• “Well done. Thank you for your achievements.”
• “I’m part of the problem. And I want to be part of the solution.”
• “What can I do to help you? I am prepared to put my personal priorities to one side to assist you.”
• “You’ve lost my confidence and we need to agree a way forward. This isn’t working out and we can’t let things continue as they are.”

Watch your body language. You can’t charm others if your body language indicates that you are more interested in yourself (or in being somewhere else). Establish eye contact, smile, listen, uncross your arms. Open up. Ask a trusted friend for feedback or video yourself in conversation. Look at how you come across: confident or nervous? Relaxed or tense? Aggressive or approachable? www.positivityblog.com

“People pull, scratch, rub, tug, adjust, twitch and squirm”. Read the subtle signs of body language. Don’t simply attend to the words others use. Look at their posture, facial expressions, and body movements. What is being communicated? Interest or boredom? Like or dislike? Understanding or confusion? Open up your senses to read the situation to work out what is really going on. Don’t be clumsy in over-interpreting one facet of body language. Weigh up all the signals to assess the “big picture”.

• who seems secure, comfortable in their own skin and who is insecure and wants out of the situation?
• who is happy, enjoying the moment, and who is unhappy and in a bad mood?
• who has a big ego and wants to assert themselves? who has a strong ego and is in control?
• who is buying and who is selling?

If others aren’t getting it, it’s your problem not their’s. Communication is your responsibility. If others “don’t get it”, don’t blame them. You haven’t explained it properly. It is as simple as that. Work out the interests, motivations and needs of others and adapt your approach to meet their expectations. However brilliantly you might think you’re communicating, if others aren’t getting the message, you’re not communicating. Don’t waste time blowing off steam or complaining about how stupid others are. Put on another record to change your influencing style.

High concept in the elevator. Don’t think that your idea or proposal will sell itself or that salesmanship is somehow demeaning. Life is sales and you will succeed based in no small measure on your sales effectiveness. Everyone is in the sales business. Know what you are selling and why others might want to buy it. Imagine stepping into an elevator with a person you are attempting to influence, someone with the power to implement your ideas. But first, they need to buy your concept. From the time between stepping into the elevator to arriving at the 10th floor for your next meeting, you have to summarise your message. 30 seconds. What would you say? Can you condense down the “pitch of your proposition” into a vivid and compelling statement? Know what you need to say. If you don’t, then keep working it through until you can boil down your life statement into 30 seconds. Rehearse it and perfect it into a clear summary of what you’re selling.

Notice the little things and give praise freely. Spot those things about individuals which others often take for granted and don’t appreciate. The big stuff is obvious (e.g. awards or certificates on the wall, family or holiday photographs, interior décor, clothes). Charm others by noticing the little things important to the individual but which others miss. Recognise the personal details and draw attention to them. Make others feel good about themselves and their contribution.

Don’t be the bearer of bad news. You may be admired in the short term for your bravery, honesty and integrity. In the longer-term, the reality is that you are now the bad news. Make sure that you pass on only messages of progress, achievement and success. And if you really have to be the individual with the bad news, make sure you have a solution to make things better.

The chameleon and the leopard. Influencing skills require you to operate as a chameleon, able to blend into different environments. Don’t be like the leopard that cannot change its spots. Being true to yourself, your values and beliefs does not mean that you have to operate in an inflexible and unbending manner. Be ready to shift your approach, your tactics and style to respond to meet the expectations of different situations and audiences. This is no more than good manners. Develop an interpersonal versatility which adapts to the demands of the situation.

Never, ever, under any circumstance, criticise anyone publicly. Do it and you will have made an enemy for life. You may win a short-term battle for dominance but you will suffer in the longer-term. Address any problems, with your partner, your friends, your work colleagues, etc in private. Don’t put on a show for others by arguing or attacking someone in public. Toadies may admire you for your directness and boldness. But you will damage your credibility and character in the long-run.

Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated. The attention and charm of others is flattering. But it can also take you down a route that isn’t in your long-term interests. Be alert to the signs:

• the absence of facts and figures and an appeal to your emotions
• a reference to what “others” are doing rather than what is right and best for you
• the use of the words “don’t you agree?”; “I’m sure you’re thinking”; this is their attempt to impose their agenda on you
• the importance of personal commitment from you, right now
• a lack of interest in you as an individual, and what matters to you or conversely an excessive interest in you

The tactic here is to postpone decisions and commitments until you have researched the facts for yourself. After all, even manipulators can have good ideas. But make sure they are also in your interests.

Watch out for excessive praise. Praise is good for our self esteem, particularly when we are feeling unsure about ourselves and our capabilities. Excessive praise is also an indication that someone envies you and is setting you up for failure or planning to manipulate you to their agenda. Don’t be seduced by flattery. Look for the motive behind it.

“It’s always showtime”. However bad you feel, whatever pressure you’re under, whenever you have to pick up the pieces, remember it’s showtime. You are always in the spotlight. Someone is observing your behaviour and evaluating how you respond to the ups and downs of life. Don’t therefore let your guard down. Keep your moments of full emotional honesty to the privacy of your close family and friends.

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